My Awakening: How I Discovered my Sensitivity as a Superpower.
When you embark on this self-reflective journey of discovery, it is usually driven by seeking. Maybe you are longing to find more balance, peace, understanding or healing. Or perhaps you want to find an optimal state to live in.
Whatever your motivation for change, there will be some small print you aren’t prepared for – a by-product of your expectations. Mine was Sensitivity.
Jewel in the dirt
It doesn’t sound that glamorous, does it? If I’d known what I was in for – and that I would actually become more sensitive – I would probably have said ‘no thanks’ to this gift. Speaking from my ultra-shielded, determined and desperate state, that would have been the only sensible answer.
And yet, my sensitivity has been the jewel in the dirt. It has become everything, in a way. It is the way.
So, what does being more sensitive actually feel like? Why is it the way and how can one learn how to recognise and experience it as a strength?
Growing up in Ireland in the 80s, being called ‘sensitive’ was anything but a compliment. The cool state to be was definitely hard. Our culture loves the badass and the kick-arse – the person who bounces off life, seemingly invisible. But who are those people?
Now, I know that those so-called ‘hard’ people are just narcissistic. The scary thing is that these narcissists are the cultural ideal. If you’ve got balls and attitude, you’re apparently destined for greatness. Nowadays, it’s more subtle, but it’s still there – just suppressed into conformity and social acceptance! The media, the movies, our education system are all geared to teach you to be a separate individual: better, braver, someone special, a superhero of remarkable strength. I don’t think I ever saw a superhero modelled on gentleness or kindness unless they could take on all the bad guys and be totally fearless at the same time.
So, I watched and learned, sharpened my tools and used my learned wit, strong determination and desperate need for approval to carve my way into acceptance. And it was hard, the rewards short-lived and the pressure continual. In my world, emotions were seen as problems, an interference to be suppressed or swiftly dealt with. There wasn’t much room for questioning, reflecting and reviewing.
Imagine a culture that actually did question. I believe our entire economy would collapse in the face of it.
Crisis as catalyst
Whether you stop out of curiosity to question what you always thought was the truth, or you’re forced to do so when life throws you some huge life event – a divorce, death, health issue crisis – it can feel as if your whole world is falling apart.
And that’s what happened to me. 31 years old, married with 2 kids, nice home, creative career – and it all dismantled into a chaotic mess of confusion, doubt and disillusion. What happened?
I began to wake up and boy, did I have a hangover from the last 31 years of my life that I’d lived in an over-adrenalised, performer-based, attention-seeking state. I was so far away from my true self that I was catalysed into a journey deep back into the core of me.
It took me 7 years to pick through the debris and uncover who I really was, what was important and how to live. 7 years of enquiring, deep processing, releasing, crying – you name it! It was, in hindsight, an amazingly exciting time as I let go of huge aspects of my created identity. My choice to heal became choiceless; every other option just didn’t make sense anymore. I had seen through the veil of illusion and there was no going back.
Sometimes, I found myself missing the years of ignorance. Shifting from an outward projecting person to an internal, self-responsible person was not an overnight journey for me. It was the PhD of my life, taking all of my time, energy and prioritisation. This thirst to heal took over my life and catapulted me into a whole new trajectory. It shook me to the core and brought me to my knees, it spun my thoughts on their heads, broke my heart and eventually began to rebuild me from the roots up.
Where I am today
I have now arrived at the age of 40 as a totally different person. Today, I notice my feelings instantly, I experience my thoughts from a place of witnessing and I work through the most extreme triggered spaces within hours at most. Everything feels so much more: the good and the bad. My shields have mostly dropped; I feel my angelic wings begin to spread and my heart willing to take the first steps into life. I am connected and fully energised by receiving my energy from a greater source. I connect and use the medicines of Mother Earth, I receive guidance from within and all my decisions are made from clarity.
Mirroring my internal journey, my life has responded by attracting a soul partner to journey with, a deeper, more healed relationship with my children, and a life purpose that expands me and bounces me out of bed in the morning. I’ve learned to be the co-creator of my life, constantly experimenting to find what works and being open to see the lessons on a daily basis. I’m excited to own my reality and to support others to discover how to do the same.
My sensitivity still sits on the edge of my comfort zone: it’s vulnerable, still scary and, at times, intense to the point of overwhelm. Sometimes my body aches with so much pain as I tap into the collective field of trauma to deeply understand the path our species has taken. With healing, comes responsibility and with response-ability, life gives me more to hold, more to experience. But now, I am able to choose when to put the brakes on and when to take a break. I choose my guidance and ask for regular assistance. My current support system is with the divine feminine energies of Mary Magdalene and Isis.
The gifts of sensitivity
It is not an easy path. And yet, along with the challenges of increased sensitivity come the superpowers.
Through my sensitivity, I have begun to see and experience the interconnectedness of everything, the love behind and within everything. My path unfolds before me and my only choice is to choose this path of truth. I am gifted with ideas and opportunities that inspire and uplift me. I connect with people whose souls touch so deeply into mine that I smile at the memory of knowing them.
Anything driven from fear doesn’t work – I receive instant feedback on this. I can heal a cold within hours when I sit in enquiry to see the somatic teaching it is giving me.
Through consciously experiencing the pain I am sensitive enough to feel, I heal it within me and discover the medicine for others within this journey.
I’m not always super sharp. There are still hidden aspects of me rising to the light to be healed and transformed. I have made peace with my shadow as it doesn’t run me anymore.
The place of wholeness
I have been humbled so deeply to the truth that my only job is to surrender to life, to connect with my heart’s desires, set my intentions, pray for guidance and follow the breadcrumbs. It is only from a place of wholeness that I am ready to serve, filling my well first with daily disciplines and practices that support and strengthen my physical, mental and spiritual bodies. These discoveries are always shared with generosity.
Wherever you are in your journey, whatever perspective you hold or emotions you find yourself in right now, the reality is that one moment changes to the next. The past or the future cannot set you free: your truth is always in the moment that you tap into the experience. So, this is my truth as my fingers touch the keyboard and I express my reality in this moment. It’s all a story – a story of life. This has been my journey. What is yours?