For years I struggled with meditation, I would close my eyes and my mind would just wander; still to this day it often does.
Recently, I had a lot of old core wounds come up to be healed and suddenly my morning meditation became a huge necessity, not just a luxury. My heart was gripped in a pain that seemed to never shift. As I got still, I would become aware of this intense pain around my heart.
A month ago, I did a medicine journey where this arose, and I was told ‘this was a deep ancestral piece that I would just need to be with’, in other words, the discomfort and pain was here to be felt and to teach me something.
Over the last month I felt a constant reminder to just sit and be with it. I cried a lot in this last month, deep wounds of abandonment and rejection flooded into my conscious awareness.
The pain at times frustrated me, why was it lasting so long? Would it ever leave? Was I doing something wrong?
I showed up to my daily practices, increased my support and went to the Earth Medicine. In each ceremony I faced a deeper layer of wounding: so much pain and grief. It felt at times as if my heart was breaking.
Nb. my current life does not reflect the situation to justify this amount of pain, I am at this stage in my journey where I don’t need huge external events, i.e. Divorce, death, or health issue to be taken into my stuff, in fact I invite in processes to help me grow from a resourced place as I can go far deeper in my excavation, somatic experience, and cognitive awareness than I would be able to if I were firefighting some external drama).
In my recent Kambo ceremony, I sat with the medicine for a good while. I started to notice the times where I didn’t stay completely present. In would rush fear, and my heart would start to feel that pain. I focused on my breath and meeting each moment with as much presence as I could muster.
I prayed for this pain to be healed, and suddenly as divine timing would have it, I felt the fear around my heart dissipate and something let go. My heart was beating really fast on the medicine, and I felt the relief of Kambo come to my assistance in what felt like it was breaking the constraints I had wrapped around my heart. The purge came effortlessly with no resistance or fight.
I could feel every time I left the present moment how fear would pull me into past and future narratives; and how the pain would return. In that moment I saw the words,
“Fear cannot exist in the present moment.”
Ahh, of course it can’t. I know that in concept, and I’ve experienced that in the past, but I really needed to experience it again. I was being brought back to the present moment by Kambo and my intention. I know whatever happens in my life that presence holds me, and I can return here again and again until I am able to stay fully present. Presence is a pure stillness inside the consciousness of all that is. That evening I sat with some other medicines, and I was shown what that pain was but that’s another story.
For now, I am grateful and humbled to be brought home once again. What I experience with plant medicine is like 10yrs of talking therapy. Don’t get me wrong, I love talking therapy as an assistance to plant medicines. I find I need to heal the whole somatic, cognitive experience. I return to my practice invigorated and inspired, held and trusting that I can face anything, literally anything. No fear can shade my healing and I can be with whatever I am moving through.
The healing journey doesn’t have a destination. It is a journey of many healings and awakenings. Enlightenment for me is in these moments of pure presence and awareness. Sometimes the pure pain is so much that you just need to be with it and let it teach you until you are ready to learn its deepest truth. I am humbly returned to myself with so much gratitude to Kambo and the beautiful plant medicines of this world.
By Annabelle Nicoll
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