I feel the existential crisis that sits in this question. I myself have a tendency towards nihilism and can find myself grappling with motivation when its presence graces my life. And I say graces because I do not fear this state, as I know it is often the doorway to everything that matters.
We cannot know one thing without knowing everything. As I cast my attention across my life and beyond into the collective, I can feel myself riding on the vibration of a heavy state of pointlessness.
The Descent Into Stillness
I am unmotivated, not inspired, and somehow stuck in a place of pain that reaches up into my being and says: stop, feel. The season of growth is closing, and there is a descent towards that which needs to decay and dissolve.
I find letting go of what was and is a really challenging part of life. Surrender has not come easily to me, and trusting the process has become almost my mantra this lifetime. As the spiral of descent turns me inwards and downwards, I can feel the younger parts of me fighting the change.
The old parts of me that needed to be witnessed and held. Yet I do know I am in capacity to do this work, and these are deep times of healing. I have often pondered how to know when the tide has turned or I have reached the top of a mountain.
Breath as a Teacher
My tendency is to override these instincts that say, we are done now. It’s time to let go. I sit with the breath as a teacher and notice the effortlessness it takes to breathe: the soft inwards and outwards, the relief that comes with the exhalation, and the sweet appreciation of the inhalation.
How can my life feel more like this? A dance between relief and appreciation. I notice I lean towards appreciation, but the journey to relief often feels scary. It’s as if my system hasn’t been built for relief, as the prevailing thought form that has manifested many of my behaviours—and that has travelled with me through many of my incarnations—is: it’s not safe to let go.
And I speak of this as my own individual journey, but I know this is a belief system for many of us. So much of my journey has had me return again and again to the teachings and embodiment of the fool in the tarot—the constant leaping innocently into the unknown.
The Edge of Change
I’ve had a lot of change in my life and I tend to have the courage to do change, to make things happen. And yet, in my mid-40s, I noticed many parts of me tired by change. Yes, it’s often felt more like a bungee jump than a gentle letting go.
My life has always felt like I get to the edge with huge resistance and then I need to take a huge breath before I dive into the unknown. And when I do, that pause before the in-breath, before life catches me, feels huge.
Like a deep-sea diver, that pause both gifts me with the sweetest peace and the biggest existential crisis, as I see beyond the veil. And in this process, I realise I’m not in control. And then there comes a death of sorts, as I grapple with letting go of needing to know what’s next.
Facing the Pause
And in this pause, I face the fears and simultaneously discover God—not the God that is beyond me, but the God that lives in and through me. My faith re-engages, and the sweetness of the in-breath once again fills my being as I embrace the dance of life and death.
So, what’s the point? It’s a place. It’s a destination. And when you find yourself there, pause and rest a while. Practice holding your breath and feeling the sweetness of the breath returning after a period of deprivation.
Lessons From Nature
Find courage in the darkness to move inwards and downwards. Sit by a tree, witness how nature breathes. Watch the beauty in the decay, grieve, and allow yourself to feel all that is asking to be felt.
There is nothing wrong with you and you do not need to fix yourself. You just need to learn to cultivate patience and trust in these states of being, neither resisting nor ignoring. If you can allow it, some of your greatest medicine and teachings can come from these places.
And just as you get comfy here, life will ask you to move on. This space offers rest, reflection, and permission to deeply be. So if you’re feeling “what’s the point?”, the answer is in the question: what is your life pointing you at?
Practices of Presence
And be fully there. A practice I do in these times is to light a candle and just watch the flame for 10 minutes. I have learnt I need to train myself to be with what is. “What’s the point?” begs for permission to be.
When you’re disillusioned and disheartened by life, this is your invitation into the descent, into the dissolving and letting go. This path, when taken consciously, steps you across the threshold of death and gifts you a transformation.
Transformation and Renewal
Transformation is the art of change. It is the process of death and renewal. And it is the path of the brave, the alchemist, the mystic, and the seeker. Gather your tools, your medicines. Mother Nature’s apothecary is your support as your system prepares to go beyond.
We are living in great transformation. We are being transformed, and we can either fight or deny it—or get on board with it and learn how to surrender and trust this deeply alchemic process that is happening.