This full moon has brought me to some of the hardest feelings I have ever felt. Yes, I get triggered and activated like all of us, but sometimes I feel different. I am shocked by the depths I go down to, and what is revealed there. Yesterday, I followed the sensation of cruelty from a trigger all the way down into childhood and beyond, into memories of war and killing. I felt the sensations and saw images of past life experiences flashing through my consciousness.
In this state my body was flooded with energies of resentment and revenge. In experiences like this, I feel that I’ve touched some of the darkest spaces inside me. I feel connected to hatred, torture, cruelty, revenge. I experience the darkness. This time, I felt like a perpetrator. These emotions and images flashed through my being. I could hardly move. I tried my hardest not to fight them, to witness them – the rage and the feelings of betrayal was intense.
As the wave of sensation moved through me, I thought ‘this is almost as intense as a plant medicine journey’. I prayed and prayed for assistance and guidance. I was told in simple terms, “get up and walk. Now.” It’s always simple guidance, I receive from source. So, I did, and I returned home. I asked my partner to do an inquiry process on something that had come up earlier but got stuck in the sensations again. I entered back into the bardo of powerlessness and existential crisis.
There was no hope, nothing could console me. I was beyond grief. I was in the void, and it was death. I kept repeating the inquiry question he asked me. And slowly, as my mind couldn’t grasp any linear thoughts, I felt a shift in my body.
The tightness loosened; the heaviness moved. I felt my body and my pussy tingled which is always a good sign. I told him I was feeling a shift from the pain to pleasure, and though a part of me just wanted to stay in the pleasure, he delivered the next question, and ‘boom’, I went back into the contraction. I witnessed my body move from extreme pain to pleasure. Within moments I got around the hold it had on me and released its grip on my attention. I began just to feel and observe it. I described what was going on out loud to my partner.
I’ve spent decades working with my emotions. The more I seem to be in this place, the more I can sit with what is. There is a saying ‘life only gives you what you can handle’, and I believe this is true. As I remove my fears, I see that these fears would stop me from facing the depths. In the depths, I’m gifted with the same capacity to feel the higher states. The spectrum keeps expanding, both the not so pleasurable and the pleasurable, they are inseparable.
I ceased to focus on any state as preferable long ago. As they all move, they all go. And the dance keeps shifting. Later that night we watched the super full moon rise from the ocean and we took a walk down the beach. We stopped on the secluded part, took off all our clothes and made love. I felt the moon unto me, and his pleasure move through me. I felt like, ‘it’s all worth it’. We swam in the ocean and gave thanks to this life, to this planet.
Then, I saw a line of satellites move across the sky. At first, I thought was an alien spaceship then my partner said to me were satellites. I suddenly felt the moment of perfection disappear, and the deep sadness reminded me how this moment of perfection also must die too.
Everything ends, and everything is reborn. Non-attachment and impermanence are my teachers of this full moon. They say when you’re growing or healing you experience extremes of polarity side-by-side. There is such an intensity to these times we live in, to this full moon. I feel I’ve travelled far into the underworld in the course of my life. And each time I go a bit deeper, I’m reminded that this is my gift, my calling. Like a deep-sea diver, I’m go to the places within my psyche that need feeling, understanding, and liberating.
I believe we are that what we can feel. Our healing is in the feeling and the ability to go there. It doesn’t take long once we hit the darkest aspects of ourselves to be rocketed back into the light. But it does take a willingness and practice to return over time and build trust that going there is the way.
When we feel what has not been felt, sense the suppression of the program that has stopped you from going there. Does something lie beneath waiting to be revealed? Everything just needs to be felt. It’s not easy. It’s intense and a lot of suppressed emotions live in our bodies and travel in our DNA. Unaddressed, they have the power to zap our energy and keep us acting in loops of fear.
Growth, in my view, is unleashing these emotions which act through our subconscious mind. Once liberated, we have energy to choose and move ourselves into more liberated, free flowing state. Our channels of receiving are unblocked, and we go beyond reacting (to the polarity of emotions) to the truth of source. The truth of source is simply life which in my opinion is sovereignty.
I feel deeply humbled by life. We have a ‘beginner’s mind’ that never ceases wondering on its journey to the truth. I don’t know anything, I just feel it, and life shows me the next step. All is revealed, and I give thanks.
Ps.
Venus is in retrograde this month of August, which means she has entered the underworld. These are good times to do shadow work and make time to do deep inner work. If you struggle to hold yourself in times of acute stress, pain, etc. please explore my new offerings and read about the Sovereign Hive. On this course, we will learn how to embrace and hold all of ourselves before holding others.
Blessings,
Annabelle